The Biggest Lie I've Told Myself




In this episode, Carly talks about the foundational lies we are told and what they do to our relationships. She shares her foundational lie and what can happen when we work with them.


Please note, this episode has been transcribed by a computer, expect some typos!


Carly Puch

Welcome back to another episode of Consciously Clueless. I'm your host, Carly. And I'll be your guide on this journey from consciousness to cluelessness and back around again. Whether it's Sunday night, and you're gearing up for the week, Monday morning, and you're on your way to work, whatever day this podcast has found you, I'm really, really glad you're here.

So, I did something for the first time with this podcast. I started recording and got a few minutes in and it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel like I was explaining myself, Well, it doesn't feel like the idea was fully fleshed out for me to share it on the podcast. So I switched gears. And this may not seem like a big deal. But I am very proud of myself right now, for giving myself permission to switch gears and knowing that it's okay to do that. So sharing my moment of success, to remind you all to keep doing that work too.

So something else I've wanted to talk to you all about for a while, is this idea of a foundational lie that we turn in to a foundational truth. So if you've read Glennon Doyle's book untamed, and if you haven't, you definitely should, you'll remember that she talks about her kind of foundational lie that she learned growing up, that stuck with her and then affected her how she saw herself, how she treated herself how she showed up in relationships. And there are a myriad lies that we are told at a young age that we then internalizes truth, there are so many examples, you could have been told that you are a burden. So then moving forward, after hearing that, as a kid your whole life, you think of yourself as a burden on the people in your life. I mean, that's one example of many.

But we often can point to this foundational lie that we were told, or that we picked up on or that it was insinuated, or whatever it is that we built a part of our identity around. And sometimes we don't even realize it. If you are thinking to yourself right now, like maybe I don't have that maybe you don't, that's awesome. But maybe it's so ingrained in you, you're not sure what it is or what they are, there can be many. I'll give you my example and be really vulnerable here. It is something people in my life know, but not something I've shared publicly yet about this kind of foundational lie and how that becomes a truth.

My thought that comes up to me over and over again, that I've worked through in therapy that I have come a long way on is that I am too much to handle. That is my concern that I am too much to handle. So that shows up for me when I am feeling insecure in relationships. Like I'm too passionate, I care too much and too much to handle. This just won't work. It shows up in friendships, I am being too much for my friends, I better just not contact them. So they don't worry about me. Or I'm being too much for people at work, I better just not share my opinion. It shows up in many ways, but that is something I have worried about for years.

For years and years and years. I remember thinking about it when I was young, like middle school, high school. And worrying that I would always be quote unquote too much for people to handle because I am very outspoken and loud and boisterous. And that doesn't always go with the stereotype of what it means to be a woman. Neither are wrong or right. But I remember worrying that I was too much. So think about maybe some things you worry about. And if you can't think of any off the top of your head, when you're feeling insecure, or when you're feeling like an imposter, what does that voice in your head tell you? What does that shitty little voice in your head tell you about who you are or what's going to happen or what it is?

Maybe it's just, I'm no good in relationships, or I don't know how to love or I'm unlovable. Or I am no fun to be around, or whatever it is, whatever is ingrained in you so much, that you think it's the truth. And then it's a self fulfilling prophecy. And you start to act like that, because you think, well, that's what people think of me anyway. It is so important to examine these foundational lies. They dictate how we show up in so many places in our lives, because we have accepted them as truth. But I am here to encourage you and myself, that they're bullshit.

They're not stemmed from any reality, they're probably were thrown at you from somebody else's insecurity, or somebody else's inner hatred or frustration, or whatever else it is, it probably has nothing to do about you or me. But somebody in this moment said something to you that clicked, they probably don't even know the weight that it carried for you. One person saying, You're too much to handle. For some reason, my brain clicked in on that story. And I didn't realize until I started examining what that story was doing to my relationships with my therapist, what it was doing, how it was affecting me and how I showed up, how I got frustrated, and how I couldn't communicate that, how I was worried about that. And so I would shut down.

It's so fascinating to dive into that stuff. And I know that that sounds like a lot of work to kind of dive into our inner psyche. But to break that foundational lie has made my life easier, is not perfect, it comes up for me still. But I have done enough work now where I can more quickly get to the rationalization and remember, oh, yeah, that's just, that's just bullshit. It's not real. That's not how people perceive me. I'm saying that nobody is saying that. And if they are, then those aren't the type of people I need in my life. Whatever it is.

So I know diving into that work seems intimidating, figuring out what that foundational lie is, and what is it doing to your relationships, I guarantee you, if you struggle with some sort of kind of Foundation, a lie that someone said to you, and you play it on repeat in your head, I guarantee you it has showed up negatively in relationship in romantic relationship and friendship and familial relationships. It just has a guarantee you it has caused some sort of conflict or riff with the people in your life. Because using my own example, imagine being in a relationship and worrying you are too much to handle.

Right, so now I can see that there were moments, I got to a point where I kind of hit my max thinking, this isn't this is why partners must think I'm too much to handle. So then I might as well shut down so that they don't get overwhelmed anymore. So then I went from being upset and trying to express myself to shutting down worrying that I had kind of reached my max with a person that is not easy to explain or work through with someone or with friends. I can name numerous people in my life who I have over the years on and off, pulled away from because I'm worried that I was leaning on them too much and they would get kind of sick of me and I would be too much for them to handle.

And then for people in my life who don't actually subscribe to that they're confused when they don't hear from me. When I say I'm just worried that I was kind of reaching out to you a lot, they are usually like, what? No, of course not. That's why we're friends, just like I would tell somebody else. So I want you to think for a little bit after listening to this episode about what your foundational lie is, or lies, and then I want you to rewrite them. So instead of me thinking, I'm too much to handle. I like lately I've been thinking about, I'm just enough, I am Enough. Enough for the right people.

So if you are digging through this lie of being unlovable, or unworthy, change it. I am the most lovable person in the world. I am so worthy of everything I need, write it down, put it somewhere you'll remember. It takes a lot of rewiring to bust through years and years and years of sitting on a foundational lie that you have made into truth. Don't be afraid to blast that door wide open. Because you don't need to live like that. You don't need to subscribe to that anymore. That's old news. We are building a new foundation to rest upon.

Thanks for listening to another episode of consciously clueless. If you're enjoying this podcast, hit subscribe wherever you're listening. If you want to help me get this into the ears of more listeners, send it to a friend text it to a family member share on social media and tag me so you can help me get this podcast to more people. And if you are looking for other ways to support me or are looking for health and wellness, videos, tips, coaching, whatever it is, head over to my Patreon, patreon.com/consciouslycarly and you will find so many goodies over there. Until next time!