Have you ever found yourself feeling like you are facing the same situation over and over? Like you aren't getting the lesson? It happens! In this episode, Carly talks about what lesson she just learned.....AGAIN and gives an update on how she's been feeling.
Please note, this episode has been transcribed by a computer, expect some typos!
Welcome back to another episode of Consciously Clueless. I'm your host, Carly, and I'll be your guide on this journey from consciousness to cluelessness and back around again. Thanks for joining me on another Sunday solo episode, whether it's Sunday night and you're getting ready for the week, Monday morning and you're on your way to work. Whatever day this podcast is found you, I'm really glad you're here.
Before we get going, I have a new podcast review of the week to read. I haven't had one in a while now. So I'm excited to share this with you all. This five-star review is from z838 from Canada. And it is titled The biggest foundational lie. This episode resonated with me so much as a black femme and unapologetic Sagittarius, I am always considered to be too much. And for the longest time I've made it my mission to tone it down. But no more. It's a process and sometimes that voice creeps in. And I needed to listen to the episode when I did, grateful that you were being so vulnerable and holding space for these conversations. Being thank you so so much for that review. Because that was a vulnerable one, you're the one talking about my foundational lie and talking about feeling like being too much and how that showed up. It was good to release and good to talk about because then there are people like that, in that review that resonates. So thank you for listening. And thank you for that review. And I love hearing from you all so keep it up.
So tonight, I want to talk about the idea of going through the same lesson multiple times. And wondering why you keep having to repeat it. So if you get my newsletter or if you've been following along on social media, you'll know the last few weeks, well, actually a couple of months now, I have been sick. And I will spare you the details of figuring that out and try and shorten it. The Long story short is no strep, no COVID, no Lyme disease, I had all these tests, I had bloodwork done. I was feeling so shitty for weeks, and I kept kind of pushing it off until it just took me down. And I've never been that exhausted in my life. And I couldn't work out I couldn't do a lot of things. I felt like I couldn't get through the day with a nap. Even though I was sleeping 12 hours a night, which is insane for me. And I had body aches and the whole nine yards. So most likely, the conclusion is that it was either mono that didn't show up on a test or a mono-like virus that knocked me out. So my point in sharing this one, I am feeling better, slowly, but surely I'm feeling better. But it felt like another round in my life of me not feeling good and pushing it off until I collapse.
In one of the first solo episodes I did, I talked about a running injury that I did the same thing with I had tendinitis. And I pushed it and pushed it. And then finally one run had to limp home. It hurts so bad. And in that episode, and in some of the things I've talked about, I talked about that lesson, right that I cannot continue it is not sustainable for me to continue pushing myself until I'm falling over. But it's a hard habit to break. I've done that for a long time. And I realized today when I was thinking about it, and I was thinking about what should I talk about tonight, and just all that jazz, that I was going to say oh, you know this lesson of learning to slow down, and then I thought I've already talked about that on the podcast with a different thing.
How can I be doing this again, and it just kind of hit me about, oh, I didn't even realize on this in the same cycle and the same pattern, different thing dealing with, but the same concept of pushing, pushing, pushing, telling everyone I'm fine even though my internal dialogue is I feel like garbage. I think something's wrong. telling everyone I'm fine and then collapsing and having to bout of things because I've pushed it so hard. And if you've listened to a lot of this podcast, I talk openly about how I did the same thing with my mental health and crashed really hard last winter. And so it is a clear pattern. It's been a clear pattern in my life for years. But I was thinking today of what does it mean to keep getting the same lesson over and over again? Well, the easy answer is that I'm not getting it. Something is not clicking with that lesson, because it comes back. But I think the more nuanced answer, to dive a little deeper, is that I'm not paying attention. Because paying attention and listening to the things that come up, prevent you from getting to that collapsing. And it goes even beyond that.
So paying attention, listening to what's coming up for you, for your body, your mind, whatever it is, and then doing something about it, which for me, the sticking point is often then telling someone, there's that I've almost let go of it. But there's that little bit of, I don't want to be weak thing hanging on. And so I push, push, push, and then I collapse, and then I'm out. But I think that that's, that's it, that's all that stuff is what's happening there. It's not that I'm stupid, and that I'm not learning the lesson like yes, obviously, it keeps coming back up. But if you have noticed in your life patterns that you get in again, and again, oftentimes we get in patterns in relationships, it can be a completely different person and a different relationship. And yet, we're in the same pattern that's about us then, right? That is about us in some way. Or friendships or work or whatever it is, getting in those same patterns, or how you deal with something in life, it doesn't mean that you're an idiot, if the same things keep coming up, it just means that you're not yet fully paying attention like me.
And not fully honoring yourself, we live in a culture that prides productivity it is the more you can do. And the less you can sleep and the more you can get away with it, the better you are rewarded for running yourself ragged. And it doesn't make any sense. It just doesn't make any sense. So if culturally and socially and relationship-wise, those are your patterns, of course, they're hard to break. Why do they keep coming up, because it's hard. That doesn't mean you're not doing a good job. But you'll take a little bit every time. I like to think that every time I go into this pattern, I learned something new and hopefully get out a little sooner before the collapse there before the tendinitis or whatever it is. But it doesn't mean that you're failing, those patterns that we are stuck in, they're hardwired in our brain, we literally have to reroute our brain, it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It's just a part of it. And I wanted to say this, some of you might think that's really obvious, or you don't struggle with this. That's amazing. But when I was thinking about it today, I caught myself before getting too down on myself, when I realized that it was the same thing I've done in the past, again. And the fact that I've already come back to this topic on the podcast, and could record another episode about this whole thing. And the fact that I'm talking about it shows that I have not been fully paying attention. And that's okay. You'll probably hear me talk about this issue again in the future. And that's okay, too. These patterns are there. And that doesn't mean that they're there forever. And if they keep coming back up, that doesn't mean they're gonna be there forever. It just means we have a little bit more to figure out to move away from them, and then move into a different pattern that's more helpful. So you're not doing anything wrong. You're just figuring it out. You're just figuring it out like we all are. So don't be too hard on yourself.
Thanks for listening. to another episode of consciously clueless. If you're enjoying this podcast, hit subscribe wherever you're listening. If you want to help me get this into the ears of more listeners, send it to a friend texted to a family member, share it on social media and tag me. Whatever you can do is amazing. To be read as a review of the week, head over to Apple podcast and leave a review for me to share with the world. And if you want to go see what else I have to offer, head over to patreon.com/consciouslycarly. Until next time.